Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Healing Grief

I am not usually the crying sort, I used to be as a child much more than now. Recently crying has felt so good that I want to cry often. In the past I felt so uncomfortable crying and was very worried about losing control, I have come to the conclusion that losing control is not the concern but not getting out the emotions that are stuffed when you refuse to allow yourself a good cry should be the concern.

 I have stuffed grief inside myself for many years, probably lifetimes, grief of losing my son, grief of ending relationships, grief of how I was mistreated or more often than not how I mistreated myself and this has created a very uncomfortable situation in me that I am working on changing.  You might ask how exactly can you change this situation you speak of and I will tell you it began with a simple thought that maybe being overweight was not my "lot" in life. This thought has come to me throughout time and keeps coming up over the past few years especially.  I decided that maybe this large amount of stuffing that I have been doing could be partially to blame for this weight problem that I have.  The stuffing of emotions that then come out with overeating or so called emotional eating and general lack of self care.

Then all these opportunities come up for me to look at and begin to address these challenges of stuffing my grief and eating emotionally.  One to speak of is a crystal activation meditation that I attended last week.  This meditation was a fascinating experience in the visceral relationship of letting the mind go through breath work while letting the body do its thing.  I cried more than I have cried in probably 13 years during this meditation, I also screamed and laughed and experienced a wide range of emotions that have been stuffed down in the depths of my being, wanting to come out but I would not let them in fear of losing control.  This fear of losing control of myself is truly one of the greatest fears I have.  It must be from past lives of being locked away in a looney bin... I have felt a deep block in my throat for many years and have done some of the work of clearing it away but not really much because working on clearing your throat and speaking my truth has been a deep challenge for me resulting in much pain and even more grief. During this meditation I reached a place where I was so full of my grief that I felt like I must throw up lest I drown in my own sorrow and this is the place where the healing really began to come to me.  After I let go of control and let my body just bring up all that stuffed and bottled emotions and cleanse them out I felt a sense of flow returning to me. I felt like the time was right and the place was right for me to begin letting those emotions flow out and not be in fear of losing control of myself, getting lost in the depths and despair of grief and the fear that grief would take over my being and I wouldn't be able to come out of grief with my physical life. 

When this exodus of grief began I questioned many aspects of my life and how I have been living up to this moment, I went to a deep state of despair about choices made many years ago and feel like I have been going through the stages of grief for the last week or so and this has been a truly beautiful experience.  I recently came upon a book called losing your pounds of pain by doreen virtue, it has been sitting on my bookshelf for a couple years now and I decided to pick it up to take a look at it.  When I began reading I realized that my weight struggles are related to the trauma that I have experienced throughout my lifetimes and how I have chosen to deal with that trauma, including grief.  I have lost much in my life and it feels pretty heavy at times, so much so that I choose to not discuss my grief and loss.  Its pretty easy to say move onto the present, but the healing must happen before moving forward and in order to do the healing, the grief and loss may need to be trudged through and worked on to move forward.  I feel like this is where I am is trudging through the grief and loss and the past trauma and learning to move forward through it.